Big fat .............

Whenever ,I start writing these blogs under each heading,my mind turns in to a different mode.My other blog "my mistakes?!! " contains explicit crib.I start to crib about crib about everything and finally add that everything was my mistake.

Everytime,I open the "views" ,my mood changes to a different mode.I start writing about women.I start to scream in my mind " I am becoming a sex maniac".Wherever ,I go,people watch porn.So,I start watching too.Then ,every naked woman looks awful and boring.

In every post of my "views" ,I criticise a woman.I think ,I am becoming more of a male fanatic than a lover.

My mind has become a paradox.I will just explain it to you ,what it is.
When I look at a woman from a distance ,I imagine that this woman ,I am looking at to be a gorgeous and a perfect woman in every respect.But,when I get to one,my mind starts to dislike that lady.I never mentioned this to anybody because,anybody who hears this could say that,I am crazy.There is only perosn who knows about this ,my colleague Ajay.I told him about this and he said" your mind denies what you want."

I know that,I create my own fantasies and when these are not fulfilled,I start to dislike what I have.

Ajay is a strong guy,in the sense that,he can acknowledge reality.He knows the things he can't do and what he can.He dissects everything and presents real facts which sometimes are diturbing.These facts ,just deny you of dreaming.Realism,when presented the hard way restricts you from proceeding further into achieving your dreams.When hard realistic without any solutions are presented by most unsuccessful people becomes hard to digest.

I started to begin the quest of studying people and their reaction to situations as a way to go through people to achieve my own benefits.Now,when ,I am at the middle of my study,I have to study my own reactions.It just makes me feel that Iam a different person altogether.

Studying my psyche,I began as a boy,a fat boy,fat gay,then a slim gay and then again to a boy I really imagined was.This cycle left me to wonder whether ,really ,I am a male or just pretending to be a guy just for the sake of the society ,I was a part.I just prepared a theory ,that every male begins and transforms into accorrding to their own success and failures.A loser starts to think negatively about himself and has delusions about what he really is not.while a successful guy thinks everything positive about him,and even feels that everybody should feel positive about him.In the back of his mind he knows his weakness.

I am positive about mycareer,but,my career doesn't seem to move forward.There are two people who have a stagnant life.The lift operator and the security guard who have a stagnant career.They just eat ,drink and sleep.I don't want to be anything like them.I just want to be a mover and shaker .I want to make a difference in everybody 's life.